PusanWeb Writings - Essays, Fiction, and Poetry from Busan, Korea

by Jeff Turley

How many times have you heard that one? In this country getting there is quite an adventure.

I took a long train ride (long for me) to Seoul a couple of weeks ago. It was four and a half hours. The train was nice, clean and full. There wasn't an empty seat on it. They even had a movie (next time I should take some little headphones). The movie was Conan the Barbarian, on the way to Seoul, so hearing the dialogue wouldn't have added much.

The traffic in Seoul is nothing short of mindboggling. I had originally gone up just to see a couple that I know. I wound up working on Saturday, and getting from one side of the city to the other took us hours. I queried my traveling companions as to whether it would have been faster if we had used side streets and they said it would. I then asked, logically I thought, why people didn't go that way but blocked the 'express'way bumper to bumper.

"Koreans believe the expressway is faster," I was told. Well, from my point of view, the only thing slower would have been walking backwards all the way to our destination.

On Sunday my friend and I traveled by motorcycle, that was better because we could skirt the long lines at the traffic lights. The traffic lights in this country are the longest I've ever seen. I sometime wonder if that is one of the reasons the traffic is so bad. Probably requires some really complicated mathematical algorithm to figure out....means that I'll never know.

Koreans are also some of the world's most unpredictable drivers. It is a really good thing that anger is not something that you are supposed to allow others to see. If anger were a part of their makeup then the road rage would probably lead to tens of thousands of murders each year. I've seen some bad drivers in my time, but these people really take the cake. They constantly cut you off, fail to signal, merge anytime they feel like it and don't stay in their own lane...but in several lanes.

I have to give them this, though. They are very punctilious about crosswalks. Now, if there is a walk signal then it must be obeyed, but some crosswalks don't have signals and the cars and buses frequently stop to let pedestrians cross. For those of us not lucky (or daring) enough to own our own wheels taking the bus is the way to get around town. Now,this is the greatest adventure of all.

I have Korean friends who say that bus drivers' personalities change after a couple of months behind the wheel. Kind, compassionate men have been reported changing into inconsiderate, rude and non-caring bus operators.

To take the bus is to risk bodily harm. If it wasn't so scary it would be amusing to see the little old Korean women lurching from side to side while the bus resembles a roller coast as they try to make it to the door. Koreans, being small people, require not much room for their seats. I'm not Korean sized though. I stand 1.97 meters tall and scrape my head on the roof of the bus. This means that I have to sit sideways, when I can find a seat. This also means that my sense of balance isn't equal to what a normal seated passenger would have. But I don't think it matters much. The tiny Koreans seated around me are holding on for dear life, too.

And rocking and rolling? My god, even sitting down, you have to hold on for dear life. Spending an afternoon visiting several sites in the city means that the next day you probably have a new set of bruises to show for your effort.

In the several months that I've lived here I've run across several personality types among the drivers that run my route.

Mr. Horny -

This guy beeps his horn with every breath. Koreans are horn loving drivers to begin with. They toot if someone is in front of them, next to them or maybe several blocks ahead. It is an inexplicable fascination that they have. But Mr. Horny is a special case. This guy taps his hooter more often than he breathes. Now, my commute to work varies between 15 and 20 minutes. Most of this time is spent at red lights. About half of the time is spent stopped in traffic. And that is just a precursor to horn use. Obviously one doesn't have to be moving in order to necessitate horn use. Even before the light changes this guy is leaning on the horn. Because there are several different makes of bus used in this city there are several types of bus horns, as well. I personally like the one that seems a bit like a foghorn or one of the adults talking in a Charlie Brown cartoon. My least favorite one is the high-pitched one that makes my back teeth hurt. The horn is used when a lane change (!) is going to be made (and a bus can slide over four lanes in a distance of fifty feet), when a car or truck begins to encroach on the bus's lane or even if the wind blows. Some of the times I am just mystified, sitting in my tiny, tiny seat trying to hold on and keep my keester from landing in the aisle, while I listen to the blaring horn of the bus I'm riding, and wondering if the driver has in earplugs.

Mr. Herky Jerky

This man doesn't know that brakes can be used gently to bring one to a stop. Nor does he know how to balance the pressure between his clutch pedal and his accelerator. He jerks when he stops, he jerks when he starts and he jerks when he shifts gears. The heads on the little Korean men and women bob back and forth like those little dogs we used to have on the back dashboard of our cars in the 60s (I know, I'm showing my age). I think of the incipient whiplash and know that if there were any chiropractors in this country they'd be doing well just to place their advertising on this guy's bus. It's best when passengers have just stepped on and are fishing for their transit cards or their change and Mr. HJ blasts off and they go skitting down the aisle before being arrested with a bruising bump against a seat or a pole. It's as funny to watch them wildly clutch at anything while standing to exit the bus as well. I've seen clothing grabbed, packages wildly strewn about and last! week a woman wound up taking a firm hold on my ponytail as she got up and was thrown for a loop.

The Bob Sled Guy

This guy must have trained for the luge. The bus careens wildly from side to side, from lane to lane. I swear on some turns we are going to hike up on just two wheels. This guy must like to shoot the rapids on some river on his time off. He shoots for the smallest gaps trying to get his bus just a little closer to the next red light. He is the recipient of lots of hooting from other drivers hitting their horns. If the bus is full and I know there is a another not too far behind then I'll wait. I've learned to recognize a couple of these guys and will often just take a taxi because a full bus is a disaster in the making when they are at the wheel. We passengers body slam and trip over each other and have packages slammed against us. Korean buses don't have straps to hang on to¡¦they have these little rings that are at my eyebrow level, but above the heads of normal Koreans. It isn't unusual for me to feel like someone is tapping a rumba on the side of my head while riding the Bob Sled Guy's bus.

Mario Andretti

This guy doesn't understand that he is driving a large, wide box that is full of people. He thinks he's behind the wheel of a Maserati. He accelerates explosively. I look behind the bus and expect to see a vapor trail from the blast off. He is traveling so close to the speed of sound that he doesn't pay much attention to where the bus stop is. In Korea if you want the bus to stop you are supposed to step off the curb and into the street. This guy is the most dangerous of drivers to do this in front of. He is going by like a bat out of hell and if you don't see him at least a quarter of a mile away from the stop and make your move he is flying past you as you try to get his attention. He then has to brake wildly and overshoots the stop by fifty yards. At this point you see all the little, bent over victims of osteoporosis shuffling quickly to the bus. I swear I can hear him rev the engine as some tiny white-haired woman tries to hike herself up the stairs. I do like taking! this guy's bus home at night, though. There is less traffic and I can be home in ten minute - half the normal time.

The Gentleman

This type of bus driver is the rarest of rare. He actually allows others to cut in front of him - something other Korean drivers are genetically incapable of doing. He says hello when you get on his bus, may even wait for you to drop your change in the shoot and make it a few feet down the aisle before pulling gently away from the bus stop. This guy is passed by everything on the street; trucks, scooters, taxis and all of the other buses on the same street. While it is nice to have a gentle ride from time to time the commute doubles if this guy is at the wheel. You can always tell when this guy is on the route because the buses leave the terminals at twenty-minute intervals and he generally has another bus, with his same number right behind him. I will choose the second bus in this instance because it has a free seat. His bus is full from all the people that have been waiting for him.

And this week, one of my nicest bus experiences occurred. I was dropping some videos off at the rental place and was walking down the street to the bus stop. I was still a ways away when I saw my bus coming. I don't run to catch buses but I was walking quickly. He was stopped at a light just over my shoulder and I was doing my quick walk when the light changed. I heard a light toot on his horn and he pulled over to let me get on and then proceeded on to the bus stop. It was a small kindness but it made my day.

Peace is partiotic, too.

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