“It’s fast and easy.  Well, easy for most people, but I will walk you through it step by step.  

“First, boil some water.  Yep, you gotta use the stove for that.  Use the teakettle; it’s safer for you.  No thanks. I don’t want any tea.  

“How much water?  Well, just pretend you are making two cups of tea.  Whoa!  You don’t need teacups… you’re just pretending.  Oh, never mind.  Just put the kettle on the stove.

“Ok, while the water is heating up, get out the cup ramyon.  No, CUP ramyon… that’s regular ramyon.  CUP ramyon comes packaged in a plastic CUP, hence the name CUP ramyon.  

“Yes, that is plastic but it’s not a cup is it?  Really?  You really think you can pour boiling water into that?  You wanna eat this one?  All right, we can adapt but now you’re gonna need a bowl.  

“No, that’s a cup, it’s too small!  A bowl is round and low.  Nope, close, but that’s a plate.  There you go.  It’s dirty?  That’s okay, ramyon kills germs.  USE IT ANYWAY!

“This sucks.  No, I didn’t say anything.  

“Next, open the ramyon.  Oh, for the love of kimchi, I’ll do it.  Oh, you usually use a big knife to open things?  That’s so nice.  No, I don’t want to see it.  Thanks anyway.  

“Remove the two little packets and put them aside.  No, don’t throw them away.  We need them later.  Yeah, just put them next to the bowl.  

“How’s the water coming along?  Don’t touch it!  What?  It’s still cold?  Let me see.  Oh.  My.  Dear.  Sweet.  Jesus.  Umm, it usually works better if you turn on the gas.  There you go.

“While we are waiting, find some chopsticks.  You must know what those are.  We are in Korea, after all.  Oh, you don’t know how to use them.  Just use a fork.  

“I can’t bear this!  Just take the one out of the sink.  

“I already told you, ramyon kills all germs.  You don’t know how to make ramyon and you’re going to argue with me about the germ-killing powers of ramyon?  

“We still have a little time so why don’t you tell me about yourself.  Oh, I see.  No way!  Wow.  Fascinating.  You don’t say.  Um.  Huh.  

“How’s the water?  Wait!  Don’t touch it!  Yes, that’s right.  When the stove is on, things around it get hot.  Well, you still have another hand, don’t you?  You’re a real trouper.  Turn off the gas.

“Put the ramyon in the bowl.  Pour the water into the bowl.  Yes, same bowl.  

“Give me the two little packets.  No, that’s ok.  I’ll open them.  Please put down the knife.  Phew, thanks.  Now, pour the contents of the packets into the ramyon.  Stir.  Mix.  Combine.  Hold the fork in the ramyon and swish it around.  Yes, it is fun isn’t it?

“Ok, you can stop now.  You’re making a mess.  Stop.  Good.

“Wait!  Don’t do that!  Remember, it’s hot.  You should wait a couple minutes before you eat.  Count to 100.  Ok then, count to 10, 10 times.  

“Time to eat.  I’m outta here!”
 

Next week:  The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Taking a Nap
 
 
 

Updated March 17, 2002

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