by John Bocskay

Maybe it's just me, but it seems that the only way to read the Korea Herald these days is to get good and high, sit down at my cozy desk at home, and kick back with a liter of grape juice, a pair of scissors and some thumbtacks. There's entertainment on every page, some of which would be a lot funnier if it were fictional. 

Like the recent article that a "favorable outlook" for Amazon.com sent that company's stock price surging 30 percent. Good news, but it turns out that the "favorable outlook" was the announcement that they expected a net loss per share of 22 cents for the first quarter, rather than the original estimate of 30 cents. 

How is it that a company starts losing money on Day One, reports that they are still losing money (though less than they thought), and so sends its stock price surging? Why is the concept of the "irrational exuberance" of Internet stocks beginning to be recognized by everyone except the people who keep sinking money into Amazon? Do they even read books?

And should I be laughing? Is that funny? 

Well, sure it is--in the proper frame of mind. Reading the paper on dope is a gas. Writing about it is another story. Sometimes, those wonderful ideas don't make the great leap to the page, and I end up producing stuff like, "Brain freeze and highly focused distraction on the shit cluttering my desk. Jesus Christ WHY IS THE GODDAMNED FONT SO SMALL?!?!"

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A lot what passes for news these days is major crap. There are a lot of things I'm better for not knowing. Like the American woman who massages rabbits in her spare time to help relieve them of the trauma of post-Easter abandonment anxiety. Sometimes I feel that the best way to discuss current events is simply not to. 

But news like that is fascinating. It inspires me and visits me with all kinds of wonderful thoughts, like, Rabbit masseuses. Whaddaya know.
 

There are great photos in the paper sometimes. Like a recent one of George Bush getting off a plane in Texas with his dog. The caption read, "Led by his Spaniel Spot, President Bush salutes after arriving…"

This confirmed my worst fears--Bush is a figurehead; the United States of America is actually led by a Spaniel. How else to explain the recent pissing match with China and America's current hypersensitivity (canine paranoia?) to the issue of tainted beef?
 

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I'm willing to swear I saw an article a few weeks ago that said that Russian scientists had created an artificial brain that was going to replace humans. It was strange--such a grandiose claim yet it was in a small article at the bottom of the front page. And I have been unable to verify this claim in other news sources or even track down the original article, which I was sure I clipped.
Russian Scientists Create Artificial Brain To Replace Humans 
Great headline. So why haven't I seen this anywhere else? Where is this goddamned Russian brain and why is nobody talking about it?!?!? 

I searched the Internet for the Russian Brain. I first tried "Russian Artificial Brain" which yielded 7 matches: A discussion of the moral dilemmas surrounding Artificial Intelligence. A website created by some lonely bastard whose hobby is developing language programs that can mimic conversations with humans. The official website of the Artificial Neural Networks and Computational Brain Theory Group (ANNCBT), who somehow were not clever enough to give themselves a pronounceable acronym. Even the army manages to do that all the time.
The ANNCBT site was nice, and it left me with warm and fuzzy thoughts. Before the Internet, these people were probably very lonely and misunderstood. I'm happy for them; they've found each other.

But I digress--I was trying to find the fabled Russian Brain that would be taking over my freshman classes well before I ever get anything like tenure. I backed up a step and typed "Russian Brain" which yielded 5 matches. Among them, a placement agency for IT, Internet, and telecommunications professionals in Russia and the Ukraine, and the official site of the Russian trip-hop duo Brain Crack. No artificial superbrain. Further searches yielded further interesting disappointments. I won't drag you further, dear reader, into the abyss of that long and winding search for the Russian Brain, except to say that it was only with a superhuman effort that I was able to salvage my own American brain from the whole convoluted journey.

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Desperate to find the Russian Superbrain, I tried one last search. It wasn't very advanced--I started digging through the pile of newspapers cluttering my floor. This yielded other serendipitous discoveries: phone numbers, rolling papers, my TV remote, and then Eureka--The Brain on page one of the April 17 Korea Herald. 
Russia hails breakthrough in building artificial brain 
Russian scientists claimed to have developed a "neuro-computer" which has the same intellectual potential as a human being. They warned it could become a "Frankenstein's monster" if mistreated.
"This machine needs to be treated like a newborn child," said scientist Vitaly Valtsev, "It's extremely important for us to make it a friend, not a criminal or enemy." 

Good idea. Better to let the computer win the first few games of chess to build its confidence and establish good feelings, just like my uncle used to do with me. It would also be a good idea to pay that thing a good salary when it gets old enough. Otherwise, if it's anything like Russia's human superbrains, it will immigrate to the United States.

So many questions: Will I someday be replaced by a computer that can mimic conversations better than I can? What happens to artificial Brains on drugs? Would the Brain ever consider investing in Amazon.com? Who the hell drank all the grape juice?

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